4.16.2009

Sasquatch, we know your legend's real!

Oh boy, have I got a treat for you today. You will in no way regret spending the next five minutes of your life reading this, I promise.

Today at work a thought popped into my head. This happens often, because as Lucas says in Empire Records, "Who knows where thoughts come from? They just appear." Incredible. The thought that popped into my head today was about the lobizon. Now, allow me to tell you before you click on that link that it seems to be incredibly difficult to find information about the lobizon on the Internet. Here follows the description of the lobizon I was given by a friend: "It's like a wolf, only instead of paws it has human baby feet." Knowing him, this is probably completely inaccurate, but we're going to go with it - like a wolf, but with baby feet.

I'll let you think about that for a second. Okay.

Can you imagine anything less horrifying than a wolf with baby feet? I'm sure it ate the babies to get their feet or something, but the description of "a wolf with baby feet" is completely ridiculous. Below is an actual picture I took of the lobizon on a recent trip to South America:1


See, that just looks clumsy.

This got me thinking about other terrifying creatures. The Loch Ness monster, bigfoot, the chupacabra... and this thinking led me to the library. What I found there was... The Field Guide to Bigfoot, Yeti, and Other Mystery Primates Worldwide!

Here is what I have learned so far from the Field Guide:

- There are many unidentified primates in the world, and lumping them all together under the moniker of "bigfoot" or "sasquatch" is a huge mistake. Don't go there.
- The sasquatch has a pointed head. So if you see a large, ape-like-man-thing-creature and it does not have a pointed head, it is not the sasquatch. Sorry.
- If the creature has a beer-belly, it is probably the Pennsylvania Creature, first observed by Professor Jan Klement in the 1970s.
- In central Arkansas, you might run across a creature known as "Booger." From the illustration, this one looks more like an escaped chimpanzee than a bigfoot. Er, sasquatch.
- If it is eating a goat and has spiky gray fur, it's the chupacabra. I'm not sure why the chupacabra is in a book about apes, but I didn't write it.
- In Siberia, there is a man-ape who wears clothes. Can you blame him, living in Siberia?
- If you encounter a mystery primate, you should immediately take a plaster cast of its footprint. Or kill it. It's up to you.

The lobizon, though. Terrifying.

1 To my dismay, I have never been to South America.

2 comments:

Alicia said...

That was very informative.

And nicely done quoting one of the best movies ever!!!

delightfully mediocre said...

I haven't seen it in so long, I only have it on VHS!