I really can't stay... oh, but it's cold outside!

Sometimes I do stuff that isn't too awesome.

About two hours ago I was getting back from work, having gone to the post office to pick up a package on my way back to the apartment. The plan was to drop off the package at the apartment, grab my mail, and head out to do some Christmas shopping. When I got back I would read for a while, dance around naked, and then go to bed.

It was a truly wonderful plan.

However, what actually happened was not that.

I got back to the apartment and dropped off the package (so far, so good). I then unlocked my car with the remote opener (this will be important in a minute), got back into my car and drove it approximately fifteen yards to the mailbox room (usually I walk, as it is fifteen yards, but I was on my way out anyway). I got out of my car, making sure my remote opener was in my pocket just in case I'd accidentally locked the car door, and got my mail (a Christmas card from my aunt - still good). I got back to my car and discovered that the door was locked. No problem, I've got my remote opener! Superhero!

The remote opener does not remotely unlock the door. I press the button again. Still nothing. (This is where the plan goes awry.) "Oh dear," I say as I push the button really hard - alas, the door remains locked.

Did I mention the car is still running?

I am now locked out of my car, in -3 degree weather. My car is partially blocking someone's garage. It is running and the lights are on. I go back in my apartment and call AAA, who are very busy, because it is -3 degrees right now. During the half hour I am on hold, I pry apart the remote opener with a butter knife and fiddle the weird-looking batteries around a bit. I warm it up and say nice things to it. I offer it tea. I then take it back outside and attempt to use it to unlock the door again.

No dice.

I go back inside. I change my pants. I change my socks. I change my shirt. I put on my swanky new coat (thanks, mom! :D) and go back outside to the car. I try talking to it. It talks back in the slightly muffled voice of WPR, saying something that sounds like, "I'm not sure what you expect me to do about it, sweet cheeks."

I go back inside again. I take apart every small electronic device in the apartment looking for batteries that resemble those in the remote opener. None of them do.

Crystal at AAA picks up! She is very sympathetic with my plight and apologizes for the wait. I'm all, "Heeeey, that's cool. You didn't lock me out of my car, ha ha." Crystal does not catch my not-funny joke, but I forgive her because she is very busy tonight.

So now I'm waiting for someone to come unlock the car. Hopefully they'll get here by 8:30 so I can go buy my Christmas presents (The Boyfriend doesn't read this, but the way tonight is going he probably will so - your extra-classy girlfriend was going to get you some scotch for Christmas, poopsiekins), but they're very busy given the cold. I may just say "screw it" and have a beer instead.

There are some good things we can take from this, however. My phone was not locked in the car (I do not have a land line). I have half a tank of gas, which will hopefully be enough to last until the person comes to unlock the car. I'm out of the wind in my cozy apartment with food and warm socks and I can blog and watch a Gossip Girl rerun.

I say to you: Do not trust your remote opener. I never, ever leave my car running while I "run in to [do something]" for two seconds, and the one time I do, it stops working. Thirty seconds after it unlocked my car with no problems. Further - do not go see Twilight unless you want to be a little embarrassed.

Here endeth my advice.


KP said...

Oh, Jessie. That is a rather unfortunate scenario.

delightfully mediocre said...

It turned out okay. It took the poor AAA guy four hours to get to me, but I didn't run out of gas and I got to watch the Packers lose. To the Bears. GAH. Maybe that part wasn't okay, but the rest of it was. :)